


Smoke

by badlifechoices



Category: S.W.A.T. (2003)
Genre: ??? - Freeform, Angst, Fix-It of Sorts, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, breaking up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 05:26:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4612896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badlifechoices/pseuds/badlifechoices
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I can help you.” Jim whispered and for a moment he saw amusement flicker over the other’s features. Amusement and anger. There was a ‘what’re you gonna do’ on Brian’s tongue and Jim could practically feel it but it never left his lips. </p><p>“I don’t need your pity.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Smoke

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kait](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kait/gifts).



> Inspired by this beautiful fanart by kingbirdkathy http://kingbirdkathy.deviantart.com/art/JIm-Brian-Reunion-403668240

_And then we kiss and his lips turn into sand_  
_And the whole of him cascades through my hands_  
_Making a castle on the floor_  
_Then I'm alone again_

 

 

They’re from the same neighbourhood.

When they were still kids Brian practically lived at Jim’s place because his mum was dead and his dad only seemed to realise that he had a son when he was angry or out of beer. Jim’s parents never seemed to mind raising two kids instead of one, they even offered him the spare bed in the guestroom but Brian politely refused. He was fine sleeping on the couch or sometimes even at the foot of Jim’s bed. Sometimes Jim thought that he was the only one who cared about Brian, the only one who noticed him even. Their teachers surely didn’t care much about the kid in the last row, neither did their classmates who thought him weird. They thought Jim was weird too but only because he hung out with Brian. He didn’t mind it very much. Brian was a good friend; he was a quiet kid, didn’t like to talk but that was alright because Jim liked to talk a lot and he was glad to have someone who’d listen.

He changed over the years, they both did. The older Brian got, the cockier and angrier he would get. He was angry at all the people who didn’t give a fuck about him, who looked down on him. He dragged Jim into one fight after the other, most of them they won. Jim was a lot less impulsive but still he wouldn’t hesitate throwing a punch at someone who talked shit about Brian. They got into trouble more often than not but they always had each other’s back. That’s just how it was. You messed with one of them, you messed with both of them.

 

* * *

 

 

The first time Jim realised how good looking his best friend had become, was in the ER of the local hospital. Brian’s face was smeared with blood – head injuries bleed an awful lot he learnt that night – and he was leaning against the wall with his eyes closed, his blood soaked shirt sticking to his skin. For some reason he was still smiling, like this was the most amusing thing to ever happen to him. Maybe it was the painkillers but in that moment Jim wondered how Brian’s lips would taste. Like blood probably also like beer and maybe the cigarettes he liked to smoke. Their shoulders were pressed together and even though he’d had plenty of opportunities to touch the other in the last years – they’d slept in the same bed for god’s sake – he never noticed just how warm he was. He could feel it even through the thick fabric of his hoodie.

Later he tried to forget about the stupid thoughts but he still found himself staring at Brian for long periods of time. Brian wasn’t as muscular at the time, strong, yes but more lean and with long legs and narrow hips. Jim’s favourite thing about him was his smile though, not that cocky grin he liked to show off when he spat insults at people but that tiny smile that his lips would sometimes curl into when he was lost in thought.

 

* * *

 

 

Back then they’d do everything together. They both graduated from high school with more or less good grades and they both tried their luck at the police academy. Brian was the first to get his letter of acceptance and he looked so proud, the grin plastered over his face so wide it almost reached his ears. Jim had his own letter in the mailbox the next day and of course he was happy to be accepted but even more he was glad that they’d go together. He didn’t quite understand at the time why the thought of being separated from Brian made his chest ache.

 

* * *

 

 

Thinking about it now, Jim is pretty sure their time at the Academy was the best time of his life. The training was hard and all the studying kind of annoying but at the same time it was all so exciting. They were roommates, Brian and him, and even more so than before they spent almost every minute of every day together. Sometimes people would ask him if he didn’t get annoyed of ‘being joined at the hip’ and he always just shrugged it off. Most people thought Brian was a dick and his big mouth got him in trouble not only with the other cadets but also with most of the instructors but he was good at what he did. Somehow he was top of the class at everything they did and Jim was honestly proud of him.

 

* * *

 

 

The first time they kissed was at a Christmas party. It was their first year at the Academy and pretty much everyone was drunk. Jim had lost Brian in the crowd of people a few minutes ago and was currently looking for his best friend, when he heard his voice. He was talking to one of the older cadets but he didn’t look as annoyed as Jim would’ve expected. Brian didn’t have any friends apart from Jim, he wasn’t very good at making friends either. Jim had learnt a long while ago that Brian was uncomfortable around people he didn’t know and that was why he often came over as hostile and rude.

This time he didn’t seem uncomfortable though, he was smiling, his cup of eggnog clutched in one hand and the other hanging by his side. He seemed relaxed, listening intently to what the other guy had to tell. Jim watched them for a little while, trying to figure out what the weird feeling gnawing at his insides was. Jealousy. He was jealous because he wanted to be the only person Brian was comfortable around. The thought scared him for a moment. When had he become this possessive over his best friend that he instinctively hated everyone else who was around him?

It was when the stranger actually managed to make Brian laugh, that he lost all control over his rational thinking – friends shouldn’t be this jealous, _you don’t have the right to decide who Brian is talking to._ With a scowl on his face, he hurried to cross the distance between himself and the two and reached to grab Brian’s arm. “We need to talk. Excuse us for a moment.” The last part was directed at the older guy who just shrugged and watched Jim drag Brian away. Completely ignoring Brian’s protests, he only stopped once they were outside, the cold air sending a chill down his spine.

Jim turned around to face the slightly smaller man but then he hesitated. What was he going to say? Suddenly he wasn’t so sure anymore, now that he was looking into the other’s questioning eyes, he couldn’t remember how words even worked anymore. They were so close, he could feel the warmth radiating off Brian, could see the light blush the alcohol and the cold had painted on his cheeks. And maybe he had been really stupid all along but he only then realised that he had fallen for his best friend hard enough to be jealous of every single person who got close to him and _oh my god._

“Jimbo? What’s wrong?” Brian frowned, that cute little frown that would make him look like a confused puppy and it was probably not right to compare an adult man to a puppy and maybe he’d just lost it. In any case he couldn’t stand _just looking_ anymore. Muttering something entirely incomprehensible he took Brian’s face in his hands – as gently as he could with his mind currently short circuiting and with the amount of alcohol in his blood – and smashed their mouths together. It must’ve been the worst kiss Brian’s ever had but for some reason, he kissed back, for a tiny blissful moment melting into Jim’s touch.

When they pulled back, Jim halfway expected a punch in the face or maybe a ‘what the fuck man’ but instead he got the warmest, most sincere smile he’s ever seen on Brian’s face and the happiness bubbling up in his stomach had nothing to do with him throwing up all over Brian’s shoes half an hour later.

 

* * *

 

 

Somehow being a cop was a lot less like they had imagined it. For the first time in years they were separated because even though they ended up at the same division, they were each assigned a more experienced partner to show them the ropes. They moved into their own apartment after half a year but their duty times were still so different that they hardly saw each other. Sometimes they’d meet for lunch and on the few days off they had together, they’d hang around their favourite bars. Still, Jim couldn’t say he hated it because he always had someone to come home to. He loved coming home and crawling into bed with Brian after a late shift. He loved hearing his lover’s mumbled complaining about his cold feet when Brian cuddled up to him, still half asleep.

Neither of them ever thought to call it domestic bliss but it was really what they had. At some point Brian pointed out that they acted like a married couple and even though it was a joke, the thought never quite left Jim. Because what if he actually asked Brian to marry him? Of course it wouldn’t be anything official, it was neither legal in their state, nor were they actually out. No one knew about their relationship though a few people might suspect something because the two of them never bragged about dates or hot babes. But they were more suspicious about Brian than about him. Someone had actually asked Jim about it once, a whispered ‘you two live together, right. Do you know if he is…’. Jim hadn’t been sure what to reply so he’d just shrugged and briskly replied: “Ask him yourself.” That was the last he’d heard about the matter.

 

* * *

 

 

Jim doesn’t really remember when they decided to join SWAT but it was really what Brian had wanted all along. At least they were on the same team again and Jim thought that they were a really good team too. Brian had always been somewhat a genius when it came to tactics, he was always focused and determined and probably the best shot the division has ever had. A year passed and Brian got in trouble even more than he used to when he was still just a cop. It wasn’t like he was doing it on purpose, he just did his job the way he thought he should and that pissed certain people off. Most of the time they got away with it because their superior realised that Brian’s questionable strategies had worked.

 

* * *

 

 

The first time they lost a hostage, Jim found Brian in the shower afterwards. He was still fully dressed, sitting with his back to the wall, knees drawn up to his chest. He looked so utterly lost and it tore at Jim’s heart to see him this way. It was moments like that when brave, big mouthed Brian reminded him of that quiet, abused kid he’d met over a decade ago. The one who had somehow wormed his way into his heart and who Jim felt ridiculously protective of.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He tried his best to sound reassuring, first turning off the freezing cold water and then kneeling down in front of his partner. “There was nothing you could’ve done differently. You saved the other hostages. That’s what counts, right?”

Brian looked up at him sceptically, then shook his head. “I lost her.” He croaked, unsuccessfully trying to suppress a shudder. “I could’ve taken him down. I know I could. Now she’s dead because of me.” And he didn’t sound angry like he did earlier, he just sounded defeated. In Jim’s opinion that was even worse. If he was angry, Brian could work it off at the range or in the gym but like this, Jim found himself at a loss. All he could do was wrap his arms around his lover and try to coax him into getting up and changing into a new set of clothes before he caught himself a cold or something worse.

That night Brian left and didn’t come back until the next morning. Brian never told him where he went and Jim never asked, but he could smell the alcohol in his breath.

 

* * *

 

 

Only two weeks later the next hostage situation happened and this time Brian took the shot. The bank job was a disaster, Jim had had a bad feeling about it before they even got there. It was all routine, getting in, assessing the situation and then waiting for orders. He could see the dread in Brian’s face when the thug grabbed the woman and held the gun to her head. He knew exactly that in Brian’s head the scene from two weeks ago was happening all over again. Just how he knew even before Brian said it, that he would not sit and watch this time.

He shot and the bullet went right through the hostage’s shoulder and into the guy’s heart. From there on everything went according to plan. The building was secured in a matter of minutes. Brian refused to accept that he had done the wrong thing in shooting the hostage and Jim _understood._ He understood why Brian had done it and he knew that it was the only thing that insured the hostage’s life. But he couldn’t tell him, not with all the people around, not with everyone yelling at Brian, not when he was still applying pressure to the woman’s wound, waiting for the paramedics to show up.

Brian didn’t talk to anyone on their way back. He sat quietly next to Jim on the bench in front of the director’s office but Jim could see the nervousness on his features. When no one was looking, he took Brian’s hand and squeezed it. Just for a moment.

 

* * *

 

 

“Fuck you! And SWAT!” The words were like knives, cutting apart his heart and the invisible pain of his heartbreak was bad enough, he didn’t even notice that the broken mirror had cut into the skin of his head. _Seven years of bad luck._ It echoed in his mind as he watched Brian go, unable to call out to him, unable to tell him that it was all a misunderstanding because it wasn’t. He’d chosen SWAT over the man he loved more than anything and he'd only realised what he’d done when it was already too late.

 

* * *

 

 

Jim only realised that Brian was really gone when he got home to the apartment and found that all of the other’s stuff was gone. Even his toothbrush had disappeared from the shelf in the bathroom and it was this sight that broke him. For a moment he just stared, at the shelf, at his own toothbrush and it hit him that he’d ruined everything. Why did he even accept the offer to stay with SWAT? How could he even think of staying with these people who didn’t appreciate Brian’s hard work?

He should’ve resigned. He should’ve told Brian that he would go anywhere, he went because they were meant to be together. He should’ve done anything but what he did. But it was too late to take it back.

He called Brian four times but hung up every time before the call went through because he didn’t even know what he wanted to say. The next time he called Brian’s number was out of service. He spent the next weeks visiting the bars they had frequented, sitting at the counter and staring at the door until he gave up waiting for Brian and instead devoted his attention to drinking himself stupid. At some point he forgot about the pitying looks people would give him and when he completely ignored everyone who attempted to talk to him, they left him in peace.

Jim considered selling the apartment and moving somewhere else because all of a sudden it seemed too big and too empty for him alone. In the end he decided to stay because this was his home and here was where he’d been happy, if only for a little while.

If he expected things to get better, he was wrong. They didn’t. The sharp pain just turned into a numb ache at some point. He went back to work. The gun cage was the most boring job he’d had ever since he’d been a rookie with the police department but it took his mind off other things for a while. It only worked until he had to go home though. Coming home meant an empty apartment and a cold bed. Coming home meant going back to missing Brian.

He only started noticing how much he loved the other’s little quirks now that he had already left: How he always sorted the cereal boxes by colour, how he did the dishes but never put anything back in the drawers, how he would turn on the Telly when they were eating, not to watch it but to have some kind of noise in the background. Jim missed everything about him, his scent, his warmth, his making fun of everything and everyone. Sure, he missed the sex too – who wouldn’t – but it was a minor thing. He’d give up sex forever if he could just have Brian back around him. His presence was enough to ground Jim, to make him feel safe and really _home._

He had a few flings here and there but it never felt good for long and he fled in the mornings when he realised that the person he’d drunkenly tumbled into bed with wasn’t the man with short blond hair and grey eyes he so desperately wanted it to be.

 

* * *

 

 

It was nice to have a team again but at the same time it felt wrong. As glad as he was to be out of the gun cage and in the field again, he couldn’t stop thinking about Brian. Sometimes it still felt like the other was somewhere around, just out of sight. Maybe he was in his sniper position, watching out for Jim, having his back. It felt like he could just turn on the comm and Brian would be there, his voice so soothing. But all he heard was people he didn’t really know and who he was supposed to work with.

To everyone’s surprise – not counting Hondo who pretended that he knew this all along – they worked out fine. Of course there was tension and everything but for a team so newly assembled they did an impressive performance. It still didn’t feel right to Jim but he’d never voice his thoughts, not when he had his job to worry about. He told himself that he’d get used to it, that he’d work with this team as well as he did with Brian and that everything would be well.

 

He told himself he’d get over Brian.

He was wrong.

 

Meeting Brian in that bar was the first time he’d seen him ever since he'd disappeared out of his life two years ago. It caught Jim’s breath in his lungs and turned his knees to jelly. He tried his best to swallow around the lump in his throat and push away the longing. His instincts told him to get up and pull the man into his arms this very moment, to kiss him breathless in front of everyone else but he couldn’t move. Every gesture, every move Brian made was orchestrated to provoke him, the way he licked his lips, moved his hips and stroked his queue sent the blood rushing to Jim’s loins fast enough to make him dizzy. He'd forgotten how _hot_ the other was and now it was like a punch in the face. Worse actually.

“That your _girlfriend?_ ” And it was probably just his mind but he thought he heard a hint of jealousy in his voice. The way Brian glared at Jim’s new teammate made something bloom in his chest that he’d thought lost forever. He tried to push it aside, tried to save his pride and reputation but the way Brian touched him, how he leant over his shoulder to press his lips to Jim’s ears for just a little moment, brought him close to losing his mind entirely. No. No. As much as he wanted to have Brian right there, this wasn’t the way. This wasn’t the way to make up for everything that had happened.

He ended up making Brian angry. The way the other looked at him for just a tiny moment, the look in his eyes that spoke betrayal all over again, before he turned around and left, his new friend – lover? – in tow, almost had Jim jumping out of his chair to apologise. But he didn’t. He just watched Brian leave for the second time and this time it felt like someone tore his beating heart out of his chest. So much for getting over things.

 

* * *

 

 

Everything else happened so fast, Jim only really found the time to realise what was going on when they were already hunting Brian. Hunting the man he’d loved, loved still no matter what happened because his heart was stupid and didn’t listen to his head. And Brian didn’t make it easy for them. It reminded Jim once again just how smart – brilliant – the other really was. The man who had made it so far, from the abused kid who no one believed had a future to the best sniper in the state. Jim thought that he other could’ve been so great had people just seen his potential. But they turned him away and in his anger – his spite – he started using his genius to work on the other side of the law.

 

* * *

 

 

The train tracks. Of all the things he’d thought about in the last hours, the thought of what he would do when he finally came face to face with Brian was the one thing he’d left out. Because he didn’t have an answer. He had to take him in, possibly take him out if he resisted that was what his orders said. At the same time he knew he could never do it. He could hurt Brian because Brian had hurt him but he could never kill him. The thought alone made him feel sick.

And now the time had finally come. They were fighting and yet neither of them moved to actually _kill_ the other. It was too easy to take the weapon from him, Jim thought. If Brian wanted to have him out of the way, he could’ve done it long ago and easily. But he didn’t. They were fighting because they were both angry. Because it was Jim’s job and because Brian was the criminal who wanted to get away. But at some point during their grappling match between the moving trains, it all lost its meaning. He stared at Brian’s face and expected to find hate there, disgust, anything. But instead he found something he couldn’t quite read. Pain maybe, regret. It threw him off entirely. For a moment he stilled, still holding onto the other.

It was a moment of silence, a moment Brian could’ve easily used to throw him off, to break his neck but he didn’t. He just stared back at him, not moving, holding his breath.

“I can help you.” Jim whispered and for a moment he saw amusement flicker over the other’s features. Amusement and anger. There was a ‘what’re you gonna do’ on Brian’s tongue and Jim could practically feel it but it never left his lips.

“I don’t need your pity.”

 

* * *

 

 

Brian Gamble was dead. He died on the train tracks and Jim killed him. He returned to the station with blood on his hands and his face was blank. They all congratulated him, they patted his shoulder and he just nodded, unable to focus enough to get out any actual words. He was told they’d get a medal for their exemplary work and for bringing Montel back in. They asked him if he wanted to go for drinks to celebrate but when he only shook his head, they left him in peace.

He returned to the locker, numbly changed into his civilian clothes. Without as much as a glance back, he grabbed his bag and left.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It’s another day like every other day when he gets called in for work. They decided to keep the team as it was because their work so far – after the Gamble incident – has been nothing but exemplary. Jim gets along well enough with everyone even though he still sometimes feels like something is missing. When he’s working he doesn’t think about Brian as much as he used to anymore. Not that he would consider himself to be over him now, no. He just came to terms with how things are now. It’s not so bad, really.

They finish the mission successfully, they get the glory and the praise from their superiors and everyone is happy. The others announce that they’re going down to that bar near the station for some hamburgers and a drink. They don’t ask Jim to come along because he always refuses anyway. Jim doesn’t mind, he smiles when he says his goodbyes and ‘see you tomorrow’s and then leaves on his own. In the car he turns the radio up because he likes the song and it reminds him of his academy days. He mouths the words as he pulls into the parking lot of his favourite bar. It’s on the other end of town, not the nicest quarter either but he doesn’t mind driving all the way because here he can drink in peace without people recognising him.

He also happens to like the bartender an awful lot. He’s good looking, tall but not too tall so he still fits perfectly into Jim’s arms and his short hair tickles his chin when they’re cuddling.

The bar isn’t crowded but most of the tables are taken. There’s a place at the counter though, _his_ place that’s always free. Like it’s waiting for him. He slips onto the stool and taps the bar with his knuckles twice. And maybe he should stop smiling like an idiot but he can’t help the happiness bubbling up in his chest as the bartender looks up and grins at him.

“Jimbo, you’re early. I’m not off until midnight.”

“I missed you too, Bri.”

“Shut up.” Brian swats at him with his towel and places a glass of scotch on the counter in front of him. The usual.

Jim uses the opportunity to grab the other’s apron and pulls him down into a quick kiss. “I’ll wait. You know I love to see you work.” Brian swats him again and shakes his head before he turns away to serve another customer but Jim can see the smile tugging at the corners of his lips.


End file.
